I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
