Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
