Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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