Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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