As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
