From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
