she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Randomize
