dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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