a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
