Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
