my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Randomize
