Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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