Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
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