I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Floor bacon is actually really good
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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