i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I'm really busy with my period
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