I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
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