He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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