names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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