sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
The uberlube is also flammable
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
