Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
