So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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