True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
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I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
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She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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