I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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