I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Randomize
