needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
