Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
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Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
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I think my nap took me to another dimension
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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