I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
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I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
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Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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