I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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