a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
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