I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
false alarm. still invincible.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
