sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Randomize
