Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
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Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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