Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
