remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
and she was petting her beer can
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
