Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Randomize
