Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
