I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
