Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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