He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat