i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets