sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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