See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
