i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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