just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
