Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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