God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
