Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
