dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
