i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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