We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
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