when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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