I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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