After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
