I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I AM VODKA MAN
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
