I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
