who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
